I've booked time for laundry, I've vacuumed the whole apartment, arranged every little thing that was misplaced, dusted, did the dishes, cleaned the stove and now I'm totally fucking exhausted! Tomorrow my ex will arrive, and I'm supposed to show her how much she means to me, which she does, but I can't tell her that. I don't know how the two of us that are so fundamentally different could get it off from the start. I didn't know everything about her being superficial, but I knew she was. In every way that I'm out she's in. I don't mind people going around doing nothing but doing nothing. She does. I do believe that every person, no matter what, is worth something. She doesn't. I'm scared...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Crushed?
One week and three days ago I had an intense trip on shrooms. I think they were mexican, but I cannot be certain. Anyway. That trip really made me think. It was on the 11th of may. Four years since my mother killed herself and the same night I broke up with my girlfriend. That trip really, really fucked me up. That night I went to my mothers grave and I cried like I hadn't cried in four years. I was pouring out my heart to a piece of rock that they carved her name into. There were lit candles at the foot of that piece of rock which I almost wanted to put out, but couldn't. It felt like I would be putting out my last memories of her. The irony was that during the peak of the trip I sat in a dark room talking to the lit candles on the floor. They were warm, gentle and loving, and then we had these two candles on my mothers grave that were just... Flaming obituaries. And in front of these flaming obituaries I told my mother how angry I was with her for leaving me and my siblings alone. That did not make me feel better...
The next morning when I woke up my heart was so much lighter. It felt like I had done something I've been needing to do for a long, long time. I told myself that everything would get better. All I had to do was to get a hold of myself and try to see the light in the darkness. But I can't. Today I realized that it is so hard for me to light in the dark if I can't be with my friends doing whatever drug we can get our hands on. I love my friends, immensly. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone. But the drugs. There's always been something. Alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, mephedrone. Something has always been and will always be there. Could have been worse. I could have had a bunch of shallow friends who are just fuckwads in my presence. These people I've come to known and love today are not. We are brothers and sisters in spirit. Please... Whatever I do, don't ever leave me alone in this cold and dark world. I wouldn't even have to commit suicide if that happened. I would just die from a broken heart.
So now I'll just sit in my apartment and wait for happiness to make it's entrance through my front door.
The next morning when I woke up my heart was so much lighter. It felt like I had done something I've been needing to do for a long, long time. I told myself that everything would get better. All I had to do was to get a hold of myself and try to see the light in the darkness. But I can't. Today I realized that it is so hard for me to light in the dark if I can't be with my friends doing whatever drug we can get our hands on. I love my friends, immensly. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone. But the drugs. There's always been something. Alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, mephedrone. Something has always been and will always be there. Could have been worse. I could have had a bunch of shallow friends who are just fuckwads in my presence. These people I've come to known and love today are not. We are brothers and sisters in spirit. Please... Whatever I do, don't ever leave me alone in this cold and dark world. I wouldn't even have to commit suicide if that happened. I would just die from a broken heart.
So now I'll just sit in my apartment and wait for happiness to make it's entrance through my front door.
Notice of eviction
This weekend will be so interesting. My ex-girlfriend (which I dumped just a week or two ago) will come here and we are supposed to hang out. As if that wasn't enough my landlord will come over too. She hasn't been here since I moved in and it will be extremely hard to explain stains on the walls (made from my greasy hair when I slept). Also, my windows have been barricaded while my balcony has been rebuilt. Since I only have one wall with windows I haven't been able to ventilate my apartment. Guess what it smells in here! Well..l That'll all work out in the end, since I'm thinking about moving out pretty soon anyways... I'm sick of this town, this apartment and this life. I know where I belong, so why don't I just move there? I will. Soon...
Love ya'll <3
Love ya'll <3
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Homegrowing for yeh, guv'nor
So I've been going through this idea in my head for over a year now and I've decided it's time to make the money for this and just fucking do it! Start growing my own shit at home! Now, a question for all you people out there. Which strain should I go for? I've been wanting to try Jack Herer and White Widow, but I've heard so many good things about BC Bud and Orange Bud that I really don't know. This growing thing is still about two or three months away, but I wanna buy all the equipment in the same pace my money starts coming in, and I want the seeds first. So... Which one should I go for? Just leave a comment as a suggestion. If all goes as planned my next step will be to make my own strain, featuring the ones i like the best.
Mr Scrooge
I have a bitter taste in my mouth. It's the bitter taste you can taste when a soul is corrupted and assimilated into the world of the shadows (Plato, anybody?). My dear friend, how did you become this person?
He was, without a doubt in my mind, the closest friend I had. When I broke up with my first girlfriend he was there, when my mother died he was there, when I got tossed out of the house by my father... he was there. He helped me with everything and I do hope to god that I helped him with everything he needed. He was always the strong/silent type of person, but he did come to me for advice and I could tell when something was wrong. Now... He won't talk to me, not on the internet or the phone, and I haven't met him in almost six months. I miss that big guy... but when I hear from people what he has become, I don't feel I know him anymore. He and I walked hand in hand through everything when we were adolescents. Music, politics, views on life, we shared it all. Today I hear he has become obsessed with money and hangs out with people he stopped hanging out with when we met. When we hung out our lives were about doing what we wanted, getting shitfaced and having a good fucking time. Today he's about chartered trips to some expensive country and tall-glass-cocktails at hotel bars. It's a damn shame. I don't feel like the person I once knew even exists anymore, so here's to you. I'll toast your demise in beer and light a cigar in your honor. See you in the afterlife, dear friend. Rest in peace and hope your economy lasts even after nobody likes you any more, mr Scrooge.
He was, without a doubt in my mind, the closest friend I had. When I broke up with my first girlfriend he was there, when my mother died he was there, when I got tossed out of the house by my father... he was there. He helped me with everything and I do hope to god that I helped him with everything he needed. He was always the strong/silent type of person, but he did come to me for advice and I could tell when something was wrong. Now... He won't talk to me, not on the internet or the phone, and I haven't met him in almost six months. I miss that big guy... but when I hear from people what he has become, I don't feel I know him anymore. He and I walked hand in hand through everything when we were adolescents. Music, politics, views on life, we shared it all. Today I hear he has become obsessed with money and hangs out with people he stopped hanging out with when we met. When we hung out our lives were about doing what we wanted, getting shitfaced and having a good fucking time. Today he's about chartered trips to some expensive country and tall-glass-cocktails at hotel bars. It's a damn shame. I don't feel like the person I once knew even exists anymore, so here's to you. I'll toast your demise in beer and light a cigar in your honor. See you in the afterlife, dear friend. Rest in peace and hope your economy lasts even after nobody likes you any more, mr Scrooge.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sucks to be you
So I just got off the phone with one of the closer friends I have. What did we discuss? How stupid and fucked up all of those people whom just slipped away are. They are all too keen on gossiping and what they do with their lives I don't know. Can't really say that any of 'em are too smart or anything. I really don't know what happened to all the people I knew and used to hang around. It's kinda disturbing that someone you've had such a close relationship to can just fade out of your life and pass you by like the ending credits of a movie you didn't really like. Sucks to be them, I guess.... or... does it suck to be me?
We also discussed matters of great importance. There is, apparently, some killer acid floating around and I am so going to get me a few of those pieces. Had a chat with another friend of mine who tried it out the other day and he said he was more tripped out than ever before. The thing is that I don't think I know anyone who has picked up acid from any known blotters. All of us who have tried LSD has just done so whilst the medium was sugar cubes with a drop of acid on them. Since I'm leaving the country with the folks soon I was going to get myself through one of those LSD-trips before I leave and put on a happy face. At least I'm leaving for a country where pot smoking isn't too frowned upon. That means I'll probably be high ninety percent of the time I'm there.
We also discussed matters of great importance. There is, apparently, some killer acid floating around and I am so going to get me a few of those pieces. Had a chat with another friend of mine who tried it out the other day and he said he was more tripped out than ever before. The thing is that I don't think I know anyone who has picked up acid from any known blotters. All of us who have tried LSD has just done so whilst the medium was sugar cubes with a drop of acid on them. Since I'm leaving the country with the folks soon I was going to get myself through one of those LSD-trips before I leave and put on a happy face. At least I'm leaving for a country where pot smoking isn't too frowned upon. That means I'll probably be high ninety percent of the time I'm there.
Wish me luck!
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