One week and three days ago I had an intense trip on shrooms. I think they were mexican, but I cannot be certain. Anyway. That trip really made me think. It was on the 11th of may. Four years since my mother killed herself and the same night I broke up with my girlfriend. That trip really, really fucked me up. That night I went to my mothers grave and I cried like I hadn't cried in four years. I was pouring out my heart to a piece of rock that they carved her name into. There were lit candles at the foot of that piece of rock which I almost wanted to put out, but couldn't. It felt like I would be putting out my last memories of her. The irony was that during the peak of the trip I sat in a dark room talking to the lit candles on the floor. They were warm, gentle and loving, and then we had these two candles on my mothers grave that were just... Flaming obituaries. And in front of these flaming obituaries I told my mother how angry I was with her for leaving me and my siblings alone. That did not make me feel better...
The next morning when I woke up my heart was so much lighter. It felt like I had done something I've been needing to do for a long, long time. I told myself that everything would get better. All I had to do was to get a hold of myself and try to see the light in the darkness. But I can't. Today I realized that it is so hard for me to light in the dark if I can't be with my friends doing whatever drug we can get our hands on. I love my friends, immensly. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone. But the drugs. There's always been something. Alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, mephedrone. Something has always been and will always be there. Could have been worse. I could have had a bunch of shallow friends who are just fuckwads in my presence. These people I've come to known and love today are not. We are brothers and sisters in spirit. Please... Whatever I do, don't ever leave me alone in this cold and dark world. I wouldn't even have to commit suicide if that happened. I would just die from a broken heart.
So now I'll just sit in my apartment and wait for happiness to make it's entrance through my front door.
The next morning when I woke up my heart was so much lighter. It felt like I had done something I've been needing to do for a long, long time. I told myself that everything would get better. All I had to do was to get a hold of myself and try to see the light in the darkness. But I can't. Today I realized that it is so hard for me to light in the dark if I can't be with my friends doing whatever drug we can get our hands on. I love my friends, immensly. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone. But the drugs. There's always been something. Alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, mephedrone. Something has always been and will always be there. Could have been worse. I could have had a bunch of shallow friends who are just fuckwads in my presence. These people I've come to known and love today are not. We are brothers and sisters in spirit. Please... Whatever I do, don't ever leave me alone in this cold and dark world. I wouldn't even have to commit suicide if that happened. I would just die from a broken heart.
So now I'll just sit in my apartment and wait for happiness to make it's entrance through my front door.
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